One thing I haven’t tried to do , thank God, is to direct this in any way or any particular direction. NO OUTCOME DIRECTED curricula at all. I didn’t know what this Grieving Coma and would do to me and I don’t know what they will do to me now. I DO know that its too wild a beast for me to attempt to control. I haven’t even done as I normally would and spent my energy on the others who suffer in his loss. I deal with me and my grief and leave them to themselves and theirs.
It would have been my Father’s 95th birthday tomorrow and its only 3 more days till Iz has been gone for one year. Its after midnight now and that’s when the swamping memories come. No use telling me to go to bed before they do because if I go to sleep first they come in dreams and horrors and I reach for him in the bed and he isn’t there.
I sleep better in the daytimes at the moment and then sitting up ay night and talking to a waking America and France on Facebook. It makes more sense to me when the Memories come while I am awake even if still, sometimes, a surging nausea comes with it . Even if tears fall – and they do. Its better than the creeping up of the Unconscious.
I seem sad late at night and indeed I am but its also curiously beautiful and uncomplicated in owing nothing to noone else. Good Night, Iz. I love you.