I COULDN’T TOUCH THE SUN FOR YOU

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One thing I haven’t tried to do , thank God, is to direct this in any way or any particular direction. NO OUTCOME DIRECTED curricula at all. I didn’t know what this Grieving Coma and would do to me and I don’t know what they will do to me now. I DO know that its too wild a beast for me to attempt to control. I haven’t even done as I normally would and spent my energy on the others who suffer in his loss. I deal with me and my grief and leave them to themselves and theirs.

It would have been my Father’s 95th birthday tomorrow and its only 3 more days till Iz has been gone for one year. Its after midnight now and that’s when the swamping memories come. No use telling me to go to bed before they do because if I go to sleep first they come in dreams and horrors and I reach for him in the bed and he isn’t there.

I sleep better in the daytimes at the moment and then sitting up ay night and talking to a waking America and France on Facebook. It makes more sense to me when the Memories come while I am awake even if still, sometimes, a surging nausea comes with it . Even if tears fall – and they do. Its better than the creeping up of the Unconscious.

I seem sad late at night and indeed I am but its also curiously beautiful and uncomplicated in owing nothing to noone else. Good Night, Iz. I love you.

PELICAN SSWIM

Experts on Aging, Dying as They Lived – NYTimes.com

At 10 years old I knew my parents did not wish to be resuscitated nor plugged into machines in the event of serious illness. They told me they were not afraid of death but rather of being kept alive at any cost. I knew they would refuse medical interventions, if they felt there was no purpose except to separate the dying from their deaths. They were wary of doctors who my parents said were trained by a medical culture that had lost touch with what should be its major focus: ending suffering.

via Experts on Aging, Dying as They Lived – NYTimes.com.

via Experts on Aging, Dying as They Lived – NYTimes.com.

LOOKING AT TILES

I went to look at tiles with KB and Clarz today. They are building a house and so we went to look at tiles. We ate in Urunga and we talked. The gentle doings of daily living.

My healing is coming in those very things. The small familiars. The small soothings. After Izzy died, the girls took the musical gear and the van, I got so sick and then had to move- it seemed as if there was no solid ground at all for me. Nightmares of confusion right down to this different body and mind that the Coma left me with. Then I had my Doc telling me I was at palliative level.

Gradually and gradually, i have come to today and I am pretty well pleased with how I have handled it. There are a lot of ways this could have gone but so far I am

1. alive

2. clean and sober

3. part of my family

4. housed, clothed and fed

5. about to go on holidays to visit my other two most beloved people

And now and then , I am happy. Now and then I am accustomed once more to living alone. Now and then, I am not afraid.

Now and then.

Photo on 17-06-2015 at 6

these eyes, cry every night for you
these arms, long to hold you, again
the hurtin’s on me yea
but I will never be free, oh my baby no no

you gave a promise to me, yea
and you broke it, you broke it, oh oh

these eyes, watched you bring my world to an end
this heart, could not accept and pretend

the hurtin’s on me yea
but I will never be free, no no no
you took the vow with me yea
you spoke it, you spoke it
babe

these eyes, are cryin’
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes,
cry every night for you
these arms,
these arms want to hold you, hold you again

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
These eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you
these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they’re never gonna see another one like I had with you
baby baby baby Â…