for ENTRIES FROM OCTOBER 2015 ONWARDS
Once again, I won’t be saying much. Words still don’t come. This morning I went early to have my eyebrows waxed and tinted and then had breakfast at the Pomegranate Cafe. Neither sounds significant except that they are new for me. Then I slept a day away again and did not push to the Bello NA meeting. It all works better for me this way. And instead of seeking words to explain my life – I shall simply potter.
The week has been long and slow with iMac out of action and only slow computer access. I have had 2 days on which I have felt very much like a normal person – albeit fat of legs. There have been sad things in this week and happy things. Tonight comes towards midnight and I am quite well and quite content.
I have had major expenses this week. The Computer and the Car and more. So be it. I have also had swims and hugs and been able to drive. I picked my granddaughter up from school today and we ate scallops and ice cream.
I saw a young mother destroy herself and her family this week.
Whereas this Old Mother is now a Grandmother – something which once looked unlikely. A fortunate woman to have made it to this time.
My good computer is down with the white screen of death and the MacBook is running very very slowly indeed so I have had little chance to post or write. I have had some sunny days and some saltwater days. My little girl said to me today that she can still see Izzy – he is inside her head. You can see him too, Nana – if you just look inside your head.
We went to the beach today. My Goodness , it was fun. The Girls loved it and my Own Beautiful Big Girl went in.And we talked with friends and I was happy.
My favourite month. Its sunny this morning and blue skied and they tell me there are whales in close at Hungry Head.
He went to bed before me that night. I wanted to stay up and I was getting a new camera the next morning and I was excited. He had a big day planned for the Saturday and he went to bed. By the time I woke up he had gone running – but he didn’t come back. He just didn’t come back.
I still can’t breathe when I think of it. I still can’t breathe when I think about seeing the Police Car come up the drive and hoping that may be he had just been hurt. I can still hear Kate scream. A terrible wild howl through the Phone. And the drive up the Valery Road in the police car and then there he was beside the road in the dirt under a sheet with a bang on his head. And I knew he was gone. Knew it was done and over. Everything done and over.
AND THE LAST WORDS I EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK TO ME WERE ON THE FRIDAY NIGHT AS HE WENT TO BED
“GOOD NIGHT , MY BEAUTIFUL LADY “
Days pass and things happen. I did the NA meeting and then Nic T came to visit and my Girls. My brother has tried to get me into the Hep C clinic in R.P.A but could not get a definitive answer. That’s how it goes.
Yesterday I had a snake in the kitchen and that WAS funny.
It broke Izzy’s Mug and that was NOT funny.
Just another quiet day with Unseen Improvements. Last night I spoke for hours with Arkew and tonight with Jopas. That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Jopas is 16 years clean today. I have known her since the beginning. We heard sad news today of liver and bowel cancer in a friend. I shall sleep now.