Once again, I won’t be saying much. Words still don’t come. This morning I went early to have my eyebrows waxed and tinted and then had breakfast at the Pomegranate Cafe. Neither sounds significant except that they are new for me. Then I slept a day away again and did not push to the Bello NA meeting. It all works better for me this way. And instead of seeking words to explain my life – I shall simply potter.
The week has been long and slow with iMac out of action and only slow computer access. I have had 2 days on which I have felt very much like a normal person – albeit fat of legs. There have been sad things in this week and happy things. Tonight comes towards midnight and I am quite well and quite content.
I have had major expenses this week. The Computer and the Car and more. So be it. I have also had swims and hugs and been able to drive. I picked my granddaughter up from school today and we ate scallops and ice cream.
I saw a young mother destroy herself and her family this week.
Whereas this Old Mother is now a Grandmother – something which once looked unlikely. A fortunate woman to have made it to this time.
My good computer is down with the white screen of death and the MacBook is running very very slowly indeed so I have had little chance to post or write. I have had some sunny days and some saltwater days. My little girl said to me today that she can still see Izzy – he is inside her head. You can see him too, Nana – if you just look inside your head.
We went to the beach today. My Goodness , it was fun. The Girls loved it and my Own Beautiful Big Girl went in.And we talked with friends and I was happy.
My favourite month. Its sunny this morning and blue skied and they tell me there are whales in close at Hungry Head.
Days pass and things happen. I did the NA meeting and then Nic T came to visit and my Girls. My brother has tried to get me into the Hep C clinic in R.P.A but could not get a definitive answer. That’s how it goes.
Yesterday I had a snake in the kitchen and that WAS funny.
It broke Izzy’s Mug and that was NOT funny.
Just another quiet day with Unseen Improvements. Last night I spoke for hours with Arkew and tonight with Jopas. That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Jopas is 16 years clean today. I have known her since the beginning. We heard sad news today of liver and bowel cancer in a friend. I shall sleep now.
Its dark and cold and a train passes. I like the middle of the night. I awake and get up. Make a cup of tea and drink it in the fine china teacup from Dory whose daughter is having a baby with heart damage.
I sit up for a while and chat online with USA and other places – places like Paris. I write a little and think a little and soon I shall return to sleeping.
I stripped back yesterday and likely will today as well for the simple reason that I seem to be OK when I do and not OK when I don’t. Scrubby is coming through for a cuppa and its the one thing I am placing first because he has been our good friend from 2007.
Living a little by the programme feels good. Step 9 – be here for Scrubby.
I am up again and its bloody cold and windy. I wait.
I am living more and more intuitively. As I once did. Its cold. Its windy. Its unpleasant. I stay home. I have a batch of “shoulds”. SHOULDS which normally I value and enjoy. Acupuncture and visiting the Kids but Intuition tells me that I am doing better at this enormously slowed pace. So here I am – SLOWED.
Step 11 Problem:distrust. Solution: After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. It works—it really does. We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.
There is a tree down at Valla from the wind and so Scrub is held up in traffic. Step 11 eh ?
Scrub came. We talked and could well have talked for far longer. I enjoyed it. Arkew hasn’t come or let me know anything. Its wild and windy and chilly. I settle in. I settle in.
There are times when I feel the edges of regathered grounds then I mudslip back into the ooze. Nonetheless – now and then I stand on the edges of them with my toes squirming in the mud for a hold. The places I had reached before Izzy died and before I became ill.
I cancelled all appointments today and slept most of the day. I do quite well then.
The thing I c an feel the edge of today is KINDNESS. I have been angry and afraid for a year and only seeing the worst in people and situations but today, for a little, I could feel ground that I once stood on where I thought of people more gently and more kindly.
I do believe that for one entire day I have been happy. I baked cookies with the Girls and played and even woke from afternoon sleeping with a really good dream of hope as companion. Oh Thank God for one happy day .
The Burras are befriending me now. I tried to teach them to ride scooters but they did not wish to. Lily came today and we ate strawberries and black chocolate and in one hour talked deeply of many things. Shed tears and laughed and she went on her way and removed another little bit of the pain.
Hold the Space for them, High Priestess – said she.