I don’t even know what to say about this. I don’t think I have a concept of “in God’s good time”. In the last week, I have begun to feel another layer of relaxing and accepting. Slow it down Lynne and don’t aim for old Baselines. Don’t aim for anything. The Blog I am getting this great list from – speaks of what we would like you to know about us.
I know that I look OK. Not as I would like. I am gnarly and creased and crinkled. Greatly overweight with hair like a sheep – but I look OK.
But I am not what nor who I was before all this. Never will be again. I shall be something built from the shards of HER but I shall not be the same.
I think the complete lack of formal rehabilitation SUX. I shall simply take to my kayak and go on as I am. But I do believe it has delayed things. Then again, maybe they would have twisted me all out of shape.
One thing I need to do is make NO commitments AT ALL. I cannot guarantee fulfilling them So DON’T MAKE THEM.
Just when you look at me, know that not everything inside my head is working properly and very little of it is working as it did.
When you look at me, know that I am trying but you drift in and out of focus mentally. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but I may do so. And for that, I am sorry.
As I have written before, its a very odd feeling. Nothing seems to be the same. Not my sleeping or my taste in food or books or TV. Or anything. Its like what I imagine a giant jetlag would be like. Wrap that takeaway meal in layers of grief and top it off with a house move. Then dip it in the grease of a terminal illness and I am schmuddled.
Clambering up out of another pit. The day was greatly brightened by a visit from KB and Clarz. We rearranged my outdoor area and its good now. We went opshopping and I scored an embroidered quilt cover. We ate lunch at the OVH which is what we call the Oceanview Hotel. I had sausages. I haven’t had sausages for a long time. And we came home. I had a couple of visitors and then – against my internal resistance I took myself down to the Lido to see the Moonrise and dammit if it wasn’t just beautiful with pelicans on the old diving towers and the moon coming up above them.
Now I am home with the heater on because its mean cold. 8 degrees in Urunga . That is cold for here. 7 degrees in Eden and Poppy is back from her survival camp.
Gee – it was a beautiful evening.
and recovery wise : let me think. a phone call with RQ in sydney and a sponsoring visit with KLB.no meeting but that’s ok in one day.
Suffice to say that my girl turned 11. Mini-Me. And my Grown Girl accidentally reversed into Alfie in the front yard. The Gas Man came and hooked that up. So I now have the big heater – one of Izzy’s legacies to me. We lunched at Pomegranate which is one good cafe in Urunga and Kirsty and Co brought me a dressing gown. A snuggly one. Then I was on Facetime all evening with Eden. Mad O’Brian baked a cake. Plus my Internet is back on and I have been given a lunatic contact man at Westnet called CHAD GORDAN, He outLynned me. I do believe he was overseas and pretending to be in Perth and not doing a very good job of it but he was so delightful that I didn’t mind at all.
Time for bed. All my family is tucked in in their own homes and I am safe and sound here. Good Night, Iz. You seem close tonight.
It was simple and small and left me smiling. We made it, Guys. We made it. And I only made it because of the love from these children and grandchildren. I’m not wasting words on proving or explaining that.