The week has been long and slow with iMac out of action and only slow computer access. I have had 2 days on which I have felt very much like a normal person – albeit fat of legs. There have been sad things in this week and happy things. Tonight comes towards midnight and I am quite well and quite content.
I have had major expenses this week. The Computer and the Car and more. So be it. I have also had swims and hugs and been able to drive. I picked my granddaughter up from school today and we ate scallops and ice cream.
I saw a young mother destroy herself and her family this week.
Whereas this Old Mother is now a Grandmother – something which once looked unlikely. A fortunate woman to have made it to this time.
My good computer is down with the white screen of death and the MacBook is running very very slowly indeed so I have had little chance to post or write. I have had some sunny days and some saltwater days. My little girl said to me today that she can still see Izzy – he is inside her head. You can see him too, Nana – if you just look inside your head.
We went to the beach today. My Goodness , it was fun. The Girls loved it and my Own Beautiful Big Girl went in.And we talked with friends and I was happy.
Days pass and things happen. I did the NA meeting and then Nic T came to visit and my Girls. My brother has tried to get me into the Hep C clinic in R.P.A but could not get a definitive answer. That’s how it goes.
Its a full moon and very beautiful. It was, in its own way, an ORDINARY DAY. I handled it somewhat better than I have been doing. I think so , anyways.
Yesterday I had a snake in the kitchen and that WAS funny.
Just another quiet day with Unseen Improvements. Last night I spoke for hours with Arkew and tonight with Jopas. That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Jopas is 16 years clean today. I have known her since the beginning. We heard sad news today of liver and bowel cancer in a friend. I shall sleep now.
Well – what a day ! Shaz came and we walked the bridge before Dawn and watched the sun rise. We had brekkie at Pomegranate and then KayBee and the Girls came and I had such a nice day with them. Then I went up to Young Docs to get my bloods and she freaked and whipped me into an ambulance and into Coffs and next thing I am back in Emergency like this time last year. Bleeding. Platelets 32. Genotype 1A. Fluid retention and so sad. But it worked out and an ED Doc came and was practical and experienced and sent me home – so long as I go see a heptologist within a few weeks.
Stuck alone in Coffs and shattered. SandSea came and gt me and we had Maccas and we laughed and came home. What a day.
There are times when I feel the edges of regathered grounds then I mudslip back into the ooze. Nonetheless – now and then I stand on the edges of them with my toes squirming in the mud for a hold. The places I had reached before Izzy died and before I became ill.
I cancelled all appointments today and slept most of the day. I do quite well then.
The thing I c an feel the edge of today is KINDNESS. I have been angry and afraid for a year and only seeing the worst in people and situations but today, for a little, I could feel ground that I once stood on where I thought of people more gently and more kindly.
I fall to pieces. I see the beautiful things. I love my loved ones but now I truly begin to crumble into La Grande Tristesse. I am shimmering. Panic has returned. I can still feel the growing separation between Illness and Grief. I am afraid fundamentally all of the time and now I am afraid of publicly losing it. Today, my Girls brought me food and drink and kept me busy and laughing. Because I am afraid.
The day is just about done and I have held together – this once. Again. Must be tough on my girl. I am erratic. And strange.
And now I have a chuckle. Thinking about ” YOU CAN’T SAVE YOUR ARSE AND YOUR FACE AT THE SAME TIME. ” It is a pretty sweet life if I were not so shimmery. Dammit !
It seemed like Iz was sent to me when I was finding life a load that was a slight bit too heavy. Now he has left and I have a load which is truly heavy and complex. Nonetheless – I can carry it. Resting for the Night. Settled in. Feeling better. That’s enough, eh ? No matter what I might have done poorly. Day done. Laughter and Love. Cela Suffice.
The next step has been taken. THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST. I could have done with one straight after the Coma. Poor Service indeed. And then I could have done with one once I came home. Shame on you all ! Now for $25 , I saw Deena today and she understood a lot of what was wrong. I have some exercises to begin and then I see her again next week. Ridiculous that the sick person has to formulate their own recovery programme.
No matter, I am doing it. Its Springtime now. I missed last Spring, I was asleep in the Dreaming in ICU in Coffs Harbour Hospital. This year I smell all the flowers and enjoy the gentle weather. I went with the Girls to Bellingen Greengrocer and I did the Yellow Shed. One thing each day, Lynne. You have pushed too hard again. My voice is gone and I have pain as well as the now discernible Grief. Up until now the Grief and Illness have been so closely entwined that I could not separate them. Over the last 2 weeks, ever so patiently I begin to untangle the silken threads that have had me cocooned for over a year.
DO NOT PANIC. DO NOT PANIC.
Acknowledge the ONE THING today. I went to the Physiotherapist. Done and dusted.