Category Archives: LOSING IZZY

THE LAST DAY

29 SEP 2015 MOON

He went to bed before me that night. I wanted to stay up and I was getting a new camera the next morning and I was excited. He had a big day planned for the Saturday and he went to bed. By the time I woke up he had gone running – but he didn’t come back. He just didn’t come back.

I still can’t breathe when I think of it. I still can’t breathe when I think about seeing the Police Car come up the drive and hoping that may be he had just been hurt. I can still hear Kate scream. A terrible wild howl through the Phone. And the drive up the Valery Road in the police car and then there he was beside the road in the dirt under a sheet with a bang on his head. And I knew he was gone. Knew it was done and over. Everything done and over.

AND THE LAST WORDS I EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK TO ME WERE ON THE FRIDAY NIGHT AS HE WENT TO BED

“GOOD NIGHT , MY BEAUTIFUL LADY “

SHIMMERING

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I fall to pieces. I see the beautiful things. I love my loved ones but now I truly begin to crumble into La Grande Tristesse. I am shimmering. Panic has returned. I can still feel the growing separation between Illness and Grief. I am afraid fundamentally all of the time and now I am afraid of publicly losing it. Today, my Girls brought me food and drink and kept me busy and laughing. Because I am afraid.

The day is just about done and I have held together – this once. Again. Must be tough on my girl. I am erratic. And strange.

And now I have a chuckle. Thinking about ” YOU CAN’T SAVE YOUR ARSE AND YOUR FACE AT THE SAME TIME. ”  It is a pretty sweet life if I were not so shimmery. Dammit !

CLARZ AND BUNNY

It seemed like Iz was sent to me when I was finding life a load that was a slight bit too heavy. Now he has left and I have a load which is truly heavy and complex. Nonetheless – I can carry it. Resting for the Night. Settled in. Feeling better. That’s enough, eh ? No matter what I might have done poorly. Day done. Laughter and Love. Cela Suffice. card from saffy

THE MARIGOLD HOTEL – EXOTIC

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I am watching the Marigold Hotel. The last movie Iz and I went to see. We saw it at the Sawtell Movie Theatre before they closed it and now it has been saved and is being revamped. Iz and I can’t be revamped. He is gone now and I am shatteringly sad. I am lonely and bored by myself in Urunga. I have some money left and I think I might need to make a big decision of some kind.

Too much alone. Too little to do. Too familiar. 

BIRD

Only a few weeks before he died, I saw a spirit being scuttle across the road near Mum and Dad’s old Home. It was kind of lizard/mammal and I reached across and screamed at him to stop driving but even as I did so I knew it wasn’t there in  this reality. I told people about it because it was so clear. I don’t know what it was – but I reckon it took him with it and now I am tired enough to sit here forever.

NOT MUCH TO SAY

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I HAVE hit a kind of emptiness. The brain fog. I have been busy all week and I think the fatigue has kicked in. I went shopping in Bellingen with the Girls and I went to acupuncture and lymphatic massage. I have rearranged the Shack somewhat and it looks good but I am deadhead. I have done the “right” actions but the emotions have simply ceased.No matter. The Burras are all about and the plants are growing and Remi tells me that there are baby roos along the track. My Girl came and helped me today and the car has passed Rego. My Poppy is in Canberra and the Brierfields have begun work on their house. The Giece have take Baby home. And its quiet here in the Shack.

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BLACK TUESDAY

THE DESCENT CONTINUES

into a black abyss

I would like to cry and cry.

I am beaten.

I wonder whether I will make it through this time.

I don’t know.

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Its cold tonight. I have my good heater and plenty of gas but it is indeed a cold night. I think that I need to make a major change in my lifestyle but I need also to be thoughtful in doing that and not harm anyone else. Maybe – not even hurt them. If I didn’t have other loved ones, I would leave right now. Go South. But I have Loved Ones in two places plus a need for more meetings. I did AA tonight and it made a substantial difference. So – if I proceed in a sober way and trust the things that have worked for me for many years, it will be interesting to see what happens.

I need to recall a few cliches such as FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS.

I need to draw myself back into the 24 hour bundling and someplace find some enthusiasm and faith. If NA meetings continue to cause me to feel negative – skid them for the moment and step up NA.

I shall also make a compulsory Gratitude List regardless of how I feel. Or else – I shall simply go down.

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But tonight – I am in descent. 

Heartbroken.

Lost. 

Somehow on the solid and accepted foundation of not taking respite in drugs of any kind nor alcohol, I am to continue through this. Not one night off. Not one day off.

Somehow on that foundation, I find ways to make it through the nest bramble patch. The next day. It means being alert and vigilant. It means doing things I do not want to do and might not even have faith in  anymore. It means proceeding with curiosity.

LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS if I don’t pick up.

So today is close to done. I am alive, drug and alcohol free again. The Spirit is savaged and fierce and rampant. The Liver is like a tennis ball on  my side and the Rage is on Fire.

And – you know what – it don’t matter at all. It just don’t matter.

The Rally I like is on 14-15 August at Sawtell. I just might book a cabin there this time. Take the laptop or set up with an iPad. I have Modems for wireless broadband.

Just do that Lynne. Leave all major plans alone for now.

Tomorrow – Facial. And Acupuncture and Chinese Herbs.

This Thursday – Saf’s open day at School.

7 August – eye specialist.

12 August – 28 years clean.

14-15 August Sawtell Rally.

31 August – cataract removal.

That’s enough for now. See how everything else evolves.

I won tickets to the Bellingen Movies. I win a lot because I promote a lot on Facebook.

AT Least I am nearing bedtime and my Louis Maistro books about New Orleans , feeling less like a total failure at all of my life. One thing about being clean and sober is that the simple fact of NOT HAVING A DRINK OR DRUG TODAY makes me a success. Get that straight, Girl. Get that straight. You may think you have trashed your life and the Lives of those you love – but sweet Lord Almighty – if you had picked up in the last 28 years you would REALLY have messed it all up.

Clean tonight – cela suffice. 

MAYBE I should tell you how many RESENTMENTS I have at this time. There’s a lot.

I resent :

looking so crook at this stage of recovery when Joe Walsh and a heap of others just rock with health and wellbeing.

the man on the island for his birthday

the being alone again

the physical illness

the seeming impending poverty

the minimal quantity of meetings

the dent in Alfie

not sleeping well

being rock bored and lonesome

THAT’S JUST THE START.

GOOD NIGHT IZ. GOOD NIGHT MY LOVELY LADY

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THERE WE ARE. The First year has passed. I went to bed late that night, when you had been asleep for hours and , as usual, I snuggled in and woke you to say our good nights.

Keep guard over me, Izzy. I don’t know what Saffron and you talked of that last day but you surely did some talking. She said to me as they were leaving;

” Nana, we will be here every day from now on. “

And they were, Iz. They were.

I still hear the wail of agony from KB when she was taking to me on the phone the next day and the Police came up the driveway. That wail pierces me every time I think of it.

And on the last night, you finished the floor of our shed and turned to me arms outstretched and said ;

M’Lady – now I know I can build us a cabin in the Bush.

Good Night , Iz. Sleep well.  Sandra was here today and brought me home cooked spaghetti for my dinner and I have been in retreat for days.

Good Night, Iz. Good Night.

LYNNE STRIP

Lynne hasn’t written a song at all but this came today from

Jennifer Carter

Today is yesterday…
Has a year truly gone by?
So much has changed;
So much has not.
Life has continued
And yet it has not.

My year of ‘firsts’ is now squarely done
And it’s no easier now than when it was begun

Don’t get me wrong, I’m finding my way
But I still miss you each and every day

I’ve learnt, here and there, to laugh again
And there are moments and days, I can even smile without pain

Today is yesterday…
Has a year truly gone by?
So much has changed;
So much has not.
Life has continued
And yet it has not.

I love you
I miss you

And without you
I love, and I live on

Until I see you again

I COULDN’T TOUCH THE SUN FOR YOU

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One thing I haven’t tried to do , thank God, is to direct this in any way or any particular direction. NO OUTCOME DIRECTED curricula at all. I didn’t know what this Grieving Coma and would do to me and I don’t know what they will do to me now. I DO know that its too wild a beast for me to attempt to control. I haven’t even done as I normally would and spent my energy on the others who suffer in his loss. I deal with me and my grief and leave them to themselves and theirs.

It would have been my Father’s 95th birthday tomorrow and its only 3 more days till Iz has been gone for one year. Its after midnight now and that’s when the swamping memories come. No use telling me to go to bed before they do because if I go to sleep first they come in dreams and horrors and I reach for him in the bed and he isn’t there.

I sleep better in the daytimes at the moment and then sitting up ay night and talking to a waking America and France on Facebook. It makes more sense to me when the Memories come while I am awake even if still, sometimes, a surging nausea comes with it . Even if tears fall – and they do. Its better than the creeping up of the Unconscious.

I seem sad late at night and indeed I am but its also curiously beautiful and uncomplicated in owing nothing to noone else. Good Night, Iz. I love you.

PELICAN SSWIM