THE DESCENT CONTINUES
into a black abyss
I would like to cry and cry.
I am beaten.
I wonder whether I will make it through this time.
I don’t know.
Its cold tonight. I have my good heater and plenty of gas but it is indeed a cold night. I think that I need to make a major change in my lifestyle but I need also to be thoughtful in doing that and not harm anyone else. Maybe – not even hurt them. If I didn’t have other loved ones, I would leave right now. Go South. But I have Loved Ones in two places plus a need for more meetings. I did AA tonight and it made a substantial difference. So – if I proceed in a sober way and trust the things that have worked for me for many years, it will be interesting to see what happens.
I need to recall a few cliches such as FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS.
I need to draw myself back into the 24 hour bundling and someplace find some enthusiasm and faith. If NA meetings continue to cause me to feel negative – skid them for the moment and step up NA.
I shall also make a compulsory Gratitude List regardless of how I feel. Or else – I shall simply go down.
But tonight – I am in descent.
Somehow on the solid and accepted foundation of not taking respite in drugs of any kind nor alcohol, I am to continue through this. Not one night off. Not one day off.
Somehow on that foundation, I find ways to make it through the nest bramble patch. The next day. It means being alert and vigilant. It means doing things I do not want to do and might not even have faith in anymore. It means proceeding with curiosity.
LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS if I don’t pick up.
So today is close to done. I am alive, drug and alcohol free again. The Spirit is savaged and fierce and rampant. The Liver is like a tennis ball on my side and the Rage is on Fire.
And – you know what – it don’t matter at all. It just don’t matter.
The Rally I like is on 14-15 August at Sawtell. I just might book a cabin there this time. Take the laptop or set up with an iPad. I have Modems for wireless broadband.
Just do that Lynne. Leave all major plans alone for now.
Tomorrow – Facial. And Acupuncture and Chinese Herbs.
This Thursday – Saf’s open day at School.
7 August – eye specialist.
12 August – 28 years clean.
14-15 August Sawtell Rally.
31 August – cataract removal.
That’s enough for now. See how everything else evolves.
I won tickets to the Bellingen Movies. I win a lot because I promote a lot on Facebook.
AT Least I am nearing bedtime and my Louis Maistro books about New Orleans , feeling less like a total failure at all of my life. One thing about being clean and sober is that the simple fact of NOT HAVING A DRINK OR DRUG TODAY makes me a success. Get that straight, Girl. Get that straight. You may think you have trashed your life and the Lives of those you love – but sweet Lord Almighty – if you had picked up in the last 28 years you would REALLY have messed it all up.
Clean tonight – cela suffice.
MAYBE I should tell you how many RESENTMENTS I have at this time. There’s a lot.
I resent :
looking so crook at this stage of recovery when Joe Walsh and a heap of others just rock with health and wellbeing.
the man on the island for his birthday
the being alone again
the physical illness
the seeming impending poverty
the minimal quantity of meetings
the dent in Alfie
not sleeping well
being rock bored and lonesome
THAT’S JUST THE START.