I already needed a lot of rest. With low platelets and Hep C . Now I am very very weary and weak. I take days in bed and I REST. My mind worked well yesterday and I was able to do things and handle reasoning but today I am worn out. I shall return to bed. Read a little – dream a little. I have things which seem to need to be done today. They can wait till after I wake up and if needs be till the morning.
I woke confused. Thinking that it was Friday and that I had things to do and was too weary to do them. As I gradually woke, and realised that it was Thursday and late afternoon and all was well.
I did what I could towards cancelling the cataract surgery on Monday. I simply know that it is one thing too many for me at this time.
So I cook dinner which I was unable to do till the last couple of weeks other than microwave a frozen dinner. There were months and months when even to walk to the kitchen was harrowing and when I would get out of the car with one or two small bags and weep – unable to walk from the car to the house and up the one step.
Most days now are a little better than that and some are VERY good indeed. Yesterday was. Today , I already planned a full home day to REST. If I don’t rest enough, depression kicks in. Despair even.
Last week when I was in the Post Office and tapping in the pin to the Eftpos,I realised that for months I found that a tremendous exertion and would sometimes ask the girls to press the keys for me. I didn’t really realise that I must have looked OK when in fact I lacked strength even to press those keys.
I am fortunate in that I have lived through Recoveries from OTHER things such as Addiction, Divorce, etc and have 28 years of processes that have made this rather more comprehensible than it would otherwise have been.
AND THEN I REST.
Awake till after Midnight because the memories come.
Awake till after Midnight because everything about me has changed. IN some simple and hidden ways.
When I want to lift my right arm, I must direct it with my thoughts to do so.
When I want to walk, sometimes, I must direct my left foot to lift and move.
And After Midnight, the Thinking comes.
And then I cannot rest.
The Coming of Acceptance is long and slow this time. As always, I guess because its Unknown Ground and I have no Guide. Mind you – its not so bad. I am rarely a Mess at Night – Just awake and sometimes jabbed with sharp thoughts .
Thoughts of how much I enjoyed having and being a Lover.
Thoughts of the Music World we lived in.
Thoughts of the travel plans we had.
And I so miss the Man who carried out my cascading ideas. We were a very good team.