Category Archives: LOST AND FOUND

LOST AND FOUND NO 9 : Please listen to me with patience.

LYNNE BW

Please listen to me with patience. Try not to interrupt. Allow me to find my words and follow my thoughts. It will help me rebuild my language skills.

I feel as if I am driving people away one by one as I make mistakes and say foolish and vicious things. I sometimes am without words or half way through I forget what I’m talking about. I can feel the Grief edging over the Illness at the moment and savage as that feels, it is at least a shift in my affairs.

CHEERFUL THOUGHT FOR TODAY : YOU CAN’T ROLLER SKATE IN A BUFFALO HERD

POINTS OF RECOVERY

  1. I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy.
  2. My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside.
  3. rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years
  4. I am not being difficult if I resist social situations
  5. If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.
  6. If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! 
  7. Try to notice the circumstances if a behaviour problem arises.
  8. Patience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibit cognition.

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

LOST AND FOUND NO 8 : Patience is the best gift you can give me. I

LYNNE BWPatience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibit cognition.

I feel lost with this one. Izzy was patient with me but as for the rest, I don’t feel like I am treated with patience. Nor do I feel like I am heard. I know I am twisty emotionally but I don’t know what to do about that.

I lay there when I emerged from the Coma and I knew that nothing was working. Not my limbs or body or bladder.

I lay there and knew that I didn’t know what year it was – or month.

I thought I would be looked after but I wasn’t. I don’t know how deep nor how hot my anger over that is.

No matter. I am working this out – slowly. I swear I can almost feel the pathways. There is still the bit missing in the left side of my head. Some days everything fuses like it has the last few days and sparks have been flying. My head don’t feel like my head. My skin don’t fit and my eyes bulge.

I am REALLY grateful that mostly my brain is functioning. God knows who would look after me if it didn’t because there don’t seem to be anyone around to do so. But it does and I can work things out as long as I am left to the days where I can and in the manner which I can.

STREWTH, RUTH – THIS IS SHITE.

Be patient. Be patient. I don’t know how to get to Sydney to see the Baby Louis. I don’t know how to register my car. I don’t know how to get to meetings out of Urunga.  BE PATIENT.

They tell me that D and R have planted flowers for me in my garden. Their strange, background kindness brings me undone.

The vegies are thriving and although they don’t usually plant flowers, they have done so. I am doing a lot of internal rewiring and rebuilding in here, People. And I am getting just about as much help as the Governments of this world are giving disaster survivors. Its OK but I will not be appearing or actin normal for quite some time yet. If you don’t want to be near someone who is in the process of early reconstruction – bugger off. This is the best I can do.

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CHEERFUL THOUGHT FOR TODAY : POINTS OF RECOVERY : YOU’RE NOT YOU WITHOUT A MEETING. 

  1. I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy.
  2. My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside.
  3. rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years
  4. I am not being difficult if I resist social situations
  5. If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.
  6. If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! 
  7. Try to notice the circumstances if a behaviour problem arises.
  8. Patience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibit cognition.

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

LOST AND FOUND NO 7 : Try to notice the circumstances if a behaviour problem arises.

65 BIRTHDAY Try to notice the circumstances if a behaviour problem arises.

“Behaviour problems” are often an indication of my inability to cope with a specific situation and not a mental health issue. I may be frustrated, in pain, overtired or there may be too much confusion or noise for my brain to filter.

I am trying to do that for myself. The other day I was freaked out and couldn’t work out how to get back from the Service Station – a totally simple thing to do. I was too tired but didn’t really identify that at first.

Now I am trying to check out the situation if I find myself snapping at people, or getting mixed up . I am often frustrated at the things I can’t do or get done. Then along come my gardeners and all is well. Or Paul with his herbs and needles.

I am often in pain. Very often. I can’t always see clearly or move or lift things. Its so much better now that the cramps have been treated and I can sleep.

I am overtired way before I know that I am. Then – I am not fit to be allowed out on my own. I have decided to reduce my meetings to the 2 a week and that has taken great emotional stress off me.

And today I rest at home and potter around and tidy up and ask very little of myself.  Its a very lovely Springtime day.

CHEERFUL THOUGHT FOR TODAY : MY SON WANTS TO MAKE A PARFAIT AND A MOUSE ATE ALL OF IZZY’S GOOD WHITE TEA.  PLUS, CHILDREN ARE SWIMMING IN THE LAGOON. 

POINTS OF RECOVERY

  1. I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy.
  2. My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside.
  3. rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years
  4. I am not being difficult if I resist social situations
  5. If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.
  6. If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! 
  7. Try to notice the circumstances if a behaviour problem arises.

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

STOP TALKING !

LYNNE LF BW

If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! And it is not because I’m avoiding the subject, it’s just that I need time to process our discussion and “take a break” from all the thinking. Later I will be able to rejoin the conversation and really be present for the subject and for you.

How I miss Izzy. He knew how to protect me and was always ready to do so. Now – well now with the grief combined with whatever happened to me in the Long Dreaming – I have to take care of myself and it is very much NOW that I need to stop or go or cease. Today was completely muddlesome. I couldn’t even work out how to get a lift home with my car. I have no idea how to register my car online tonight. I could hear and relax with Gavin who talks in a slow country mechanic’s voice but the other attendant and Fiona who does the NRMA – well I just had to get away. The little children, my little Girls, are often the only ones I can bear to have speak at me.

CHEERFUL THOUGHT FOR THE NIGHT : BEING THIS CROOK HAS GOT ME OUT OF A LOT OF THINGS I DON’T WANT TO DO. 

POINTS OF RECOVERY

  1. I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy.
  2. My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside.
  3. rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years
  4. I am not being difficult if I resist social situations
  5. If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.
  6. If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! 

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

LOST AND FOUND NO 5 : If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.

If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.

That is because I have trouble following all the different “lines” of discussion. It is exhausting to keep trying to piece it all together. I’m not dumb or rude; my brain is getting overloaded!LYNNEBW

It has affected my meetings attendance.I have been unable to follow the Shares and felt overwhelmed with both the numbers of people and the messages being given. I have now reached a stage of only attending 1 or 2 a week and only on days where It doesn’t feel too complex or emotionally disturbing.

I also find myself listening to a conversation and then drifting mentally off into another realm. I have committed to some rather odd things by doing so.

CHEERFUL THOUGHT OF THE DAY : They have invented that WAVE thingo on eftpos allowing me to look very “with it ” instead of looking like I have forgotten the PIN number.

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POINTS OF RECOVERY

  1. I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy.
  2. My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside.
  3. rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years
  4. I am not being difficult if I resist social situations
  5. If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

LOST AND FOUND NO 4 : SOCIAL SITUATIONS

I am not being difficult if I resist social situations. Crowds, confusion, and loud sounds quickly overload my brain, it doesn’t filter sounds as well as it used to. Limiting my exposure is a coping strategy, not a behavioural problem.

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

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I posted INTO THE MYSTIC tonight because I saw that Kate had posted it on Facebook while I was in the Coma. Some of the things which flash into my mind and confuse me are about the Kids and the fear and sorrow they must have felt for week after week. And the Little Girls. They had all just lost Iz and there was I – in a coma. Maybe guilt even got at them – not guilt for a reason – just that guilt that gets at decent people who wish they had been able to do more.

And then I want to weep because they are my children and grandchildren and I am supposed to protect them.

My Dad said that after my Mum died and amidst his inconsolable grief. I had gone to the hairdresser when next moment the Old Gentleman shows up at high speed on his motorised pony to pay the hair bill. I was in my 50s but he said :

“She is my daughter and i am supposed to look after her. “

They are my children and I am supposed to look after them.

And now –  I do not ind it easy to go amongst people. My senses are heightened and they shimmer and shake me. I am just now developing some routines which are beginning to work for me. Only the Children really soothe me.

LOST & FOUND: WHAT COMA SURVIVORS WANT YOU TO KNOW. NO. 3 .IT TAKES A LONG TIME

Rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years. It continues long after formal rehabilitation has ended. Please resist expecting me to be who I was, even though I look better.

http://healthcaresolutionsplus.org/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know/

lynne [rofbw

I don’t even know what to say about this. I don’t think I have a concept of “in God’s good time”. In the last week, I have begun to feel another layer of relaxing and accepting. Slow it down Lynne and don’t aim for old Baselines. Don’t aim for anything. The Blog I am getting this great list from – speaks of what we would like you to know about us.

I know that I look OK. Not as I would like. I am gnarly and creased and crinkled. Greatly overweight with hair like a sheep – but I look OK.

But I am not what nor who I was before all this. Never will be again. I shall be something built from the shards of HER but I shall not be the same.

I think the complete lack of formal rehabilitation SUX. I shall simply take to my kayak and go on as I am. But I do believe it has delayed things. Then again, maybe they would have twisted me all out of shape.

One thing I need to do is make NO commitments AT ALL. I cannot guarantee fulfilling them So DON’T MAKE THEM.

Just when you look at me, know that not everything inside my head is working properly and very little of it is working as it did.

When you look at me, know that I am trying but you drift in and out of focus mentally. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but I may do so. And for that, I am sorry.

As I have written before, its a very odd feeling. Nothing seems to be the same. Not my sleeping or my taste in food or books or TV. Or anything.  Its like what I imagine a giant jetlag would be like. Wrap that takeaway meal in layers of grief and top it off with a house move. Then dip it in the grease of a terminal illness and I am schmuddled.

IT TAKES A LONG TIME

Lost & Found: What Coma Survivors Want You to Know. No. 2.

lynne sbbw

My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside.

Cognition is a fragile function for a survivor.

Some days are better than others.

Pushing too hard usually leads to setbacks, sometimes to illness.

Today I was able to paddle way up Hungry Head Creek. Then go on to Bellingen. I also emptied the fridge and freezer and defrosted them. The stamina was working.I was able to lift and carry Clara. What it does mean is that tomorrow I rest lest I become ill again. I have been through this one many times. Paul N thinks it is the bleeding and something else which I forget. He said he thinks I need the herbs he mixes up and which are more targetted than what he gave me last. He thinks the vagueness could be lack of blood. These are for the pain as well.

Today was good day.

LOST AND FOUND WHAT COMA SURVIVORS WANT YOU TO KNW : RESTING UP

I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy. I get physical fatigue as well as a “brain fatigue.” It is very difficult and tiring for my brain to think, process, and organize. Fatigue makes it even harder to think.

LYNNE RAL

I already needed a lot of rest. With low platelets and Hep C . Now I am very very weary and weak. I take days in bed and I REST. My mind worked well yesterday and I was able to do things and handle reasoning but today I am worn out. I shall return to bed. Read a little – dream a little. I have things which seem to need to be done today. They can wait till after I wake up and if needs be till the morning.

I woke confused. Thinking that it was Friday and that I had things to do and was too weary to do them. As I gradually woke, and realised that it was Thursday and late afternoon and all was well.

I did what I could towards cancelling the cataract surgery on Monday.  I simply know that it is one thing too many for me at this time.

So I cook dinner which I was unable to do till the last couple of weeks other than microwave a frozen dinner. There were months and months when even to walk to the kitchen was harrowing and when I would get out of the car with one or two small bags and weep – unable to walk from the car to the house and up the one step.

Most days now are a little better than that and some are VERY good indeed. Yesterday was. Today , I already planned a full home day to REST. If I don’t rest enough, depression kicks in. Despair even.

Last week when I was in the Post Office and tapping in the pin to the Eftpos,I realised that for months I found that a tremendous exertion and would sometimes ask the girls to press the keys for me. I didn’t really realise that I must have looked OK when in fact I lacked strength even to press those keys.

I am fortunate in that I have lived through Recoveries from OTHER things such as Addiction, Divorce, etc and have 28 years of processes that have made this rather more comprehensible than it would otherwise have been.

AND THEN I REST.

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Awake till after Midnight because the memories come.

Awake till after Midnight because everything about me has changed. IN some simple and hidden ways.

When I want to lift my right arm, I must direct it with my thoughts to do so.

When I want to walk, sometimes, I must direct my left foot to lift and move.

And After Midnight, the Thinking comes.

And then I cannot rest.

The Coming of Acceptance is long and slow this time. As always, I guess because its Unknown Ground and I have no Guide. Mind you – its not so bad. I am rarely a Mess at Night – Just awake and sometimes jabbed with sharp thoughts .

Thoughts of how much I enjoyed having and being a Lover.

Thoughts of the Music World we lived in.

Thoughts of the travel plans we had.

And I so miss the Man who carried out my cascading ideas. We were a very good team.