I Stayed home again today. It does me so much good. My girls came. That also does me so much good.
Out the back, the Gents are making the garden and its rather special. We have Guardian Owl and many vegies planted. From seeds that come from the Mother’s Garden in Armidale and I found the ones of Izzy’s which were left. I have papaya trees and avocadoes and peached and cumquats and all manner of things. The Gents have built a climbing frame for beans and things. They are meticulous in the details which is something I really like. Everything hung neatly. I worked a little inside today. Cleaned out corners where Mice had been and set up the MacBook for late night writing and study.
One thing at a time, I tend to things. I paid the rent online. I cooked dinner – steamed vegies and the yams and potatoes were from the garden. With rice and corn and brussel sprouts. I continue. I just continue.
But I continue as a woman in long term recovery continues. KNOWING THINGS. Knowing wordless things.
Two old men had lived together for many years and they had never fought with one another. The first said to the other, “Let us also have a fight like other men.” The other replied, “I do not know how to fight.” The first said to him, “Look, I will put a brick between us and I will say: it is mine; and you will reply: no, it is mine; and so the fight will begin.” So they put a brick between them and the first said, “No, it is mine”, and the other said, “No, it is mine.” And the first replied, “If it is yours, take it and go.” So they gave it up without being able to find a cause for an argument
I haven’t left home again today I tend towards the Eremitic at the best of times and in the dodgy times – its more than a tendency. What I did have was S.C. call in and that always helps me. We sit and talk. Its a strange thing being suddenly widowed. Everything changes in a moment. And stays changed. So we sit and talk and breathe the same note unspoken.
She looks at the beach and the surf and I look at the lagoon and we yearn for the floating and the salt.
And then I weary. And come inside. Wondering at random about almost everything.
Its a strange thing being widowed all of a sudden. And then continuing. People – well – people mean well but less often do well. Maybe I will get her to come out to Bundagen for .lunch at the cafe on Tuesday. Do things we don’t normally do. I also need some winter clothes for down South.
So – the heater is near baking me but I am warm. The bleeding leak seems to have eased and I don’t think my nose is as blocked. Having experienced an illness that escalated in a day or two to near death has spooked the beejeesus out of me. Symptoms which would once have been merely annoying are now freakouts and death looks imminent.
My Poppy is going on Survival Camp with her school tomorrow. Down there in the South where its cold and she is excited. They are sleeping in AFrames without sides and cooking and walking in through the bush.
The Little Girls went to a party today dressed as pirates. Out at Fernmount.
But I stayed home and I stayed indoors. And I slept and read and healed.
This day is therefore done clean and sober and no prescription medications.
This day is done and all is fundamentally well.