Another day passed and now at home with gas heater on and Facetime with Eden. I visited Nana B’s new place today while the kids moved a few more things for her. Saf and I gathered some odds and ends from the throwout and we all had a cup of tea. The years play strange tricks on us all . Old grievances seem rather small and foolish now.Nothing more than the day seems to matter greatly. So – we loaded and unloaded and talked and I shopped and fiddled about. Slept the afternoon as I do and ate a pizza for dinner. and now I sit some more in the chilly weather and fiddle online.
I am not wanting to think about much at all. Not wanting to understand anything. I just potter around. I follow some ritualistic behaviours.
I am not mightily glad about some of the effects of being 65 but I am mightily glad about knowing a lot more about Living than I once did. I AM GLAD that I don’t take drugs or drink grog. Really glad because life c an be very confusing as is and I never want to be sitting in a Doctor’s Surgery in Campsie hiding from my own mother just because I have some paranoid fears developed about Italians pursuing me. Ones that could have been true.
I LIKE KNOWING MYSELF AND NOT JUDGING whether I am a failure or not.
I seem to be in INTEGRATION of some kind. Sitting letting everything find its own place. The Panic has eased greatly. I remain pain free from the Crippling that came post coma.
I am beginning to establish the things I don’t intend to do anymore and develop the ones that I do want to do. AND I AM BECOMING accustomed to the being alone.
SEEMS TO ME WE ALL NEED TO BE AWARE of what’s likely to lie before us. JUST SO THE SHOCK FACTOR IS A LITTLE MITIGATED.
I am also heartily sick of all the established scenarios of PROCESSES of life – including Grieving, and divorce and house moves and many, many thing.s LABELS are very dangerous indeed – so it seems to me. I find myself with a vast yearning for room to move within any of THEIR LABELS.
And so – the night passes and I shall attempt to sleep before midnight. Tomorrow is the first of our LIDO SHUFFLES – a picnic at the Lido and my brother comes in the afternoon and we intend to dine at the OVH. Otherwise known as the Oceanview Hotel. My folks had their honeymoon there in 1948.
Best tuck myself in now. Do some reading. Hopefully sleep through the Night. Good Night mes chers amis.